GreaSea Dog

There’s car grease, elbow grease, greasy hair…and then there’s the best kind of grease: Greased Lightning.

Poodle skirts. Pink ladies. Young John Travolta. And the best soundtrack of the 70s.

Grease is my favorite movie (please try not to psychoanalyze me based on this tidbit of information—you already know I dress up my dogs and take photos of them, that’s enough).

Sandy and Danny–the classic good girl-bad boy love story. They have a summer romance when they meet at the beach, but Sandy must return to Australia.

The dog days of summer meet Summer Nights

But then, *suprise*, Sandy doesn’t return. Unbeknownst to either of them, she ends up enrolling at the same high school as Danny. (*Brief Aside*  So Sandy’s parents are enjoying their U.S. vacay soooo much they decide–‘Hey, who cares about all our belongings and family and jobs back home [what if they had a dog–what happens to the dog!], we’ll just stay here. It’s only Sandy’s senior year of high school, in a new country, where she knows no one, she’ll easily make friends and adjust’ [which, apparently, she does–she is sitting and singing with friends at lunch on day 1–WHAT?] But, more importantly, of all the high schools in America–Sandy ends up at the one her summer fling attends. Seriously? What. are. the. odds.)

T-Birds and Pink Ladies discuss the ups and downs of summer lovin’

The Pink Ladies figure out that Danny is Sandy’s Summer fling and Spring them on each other during a Fall pep rally, but Danny is as cold as Winter (I.am.so.clever.). He is not the sweet guy Sandy met on the beach, he is a bad boy, a greaser. Sandy storms off in tears.

Sandy goes to a sleepover with the Pink Ladies, there is more singing, and then the T-Birds show up. One of the Pink Ladies (Rizzo–but I only have so many dogs at my disposal) goes off with a T-Bird, they have some…fun…but the leader of The Scorpions (a rival “gang” who seems to consist solely of their pockmarked “leader”) rams their car, interrupting them.

The T-birds then spend time fixing “Greased Lightning,” singing about how awesome their lives would be if the car was all fixed up (i.e. they would get lots of tail…wagging. They would wag their tails a lot because they would be happy, obviously).

“Well this car is systematic, fire hydrantmatic…”

Sandy and Danny end up getting back together and there’s a whole big dance sequence that was outside of my budget. (As was the drive-in scene, where they break up again).

Next, Danny has to race against the Scorpion leader after Kenickie gets hit in the head and can’t drive. Sandy watches from the sidelines, rethinking her good girl image and her feelings for Danny.

The big race (*spoiler* Danny wins)

The final scene takes place at the school’s end of the year carnival. Danny shows up in a letterman’s jacket, trying to impress Sandy–but Sandy shows up smokin’ hot (as well as just smoking).

“We go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da ding DOG”

Sandy and Danny end up back together and fly off in Greased Lightning (because having the car magically fly away without any explanation, set up, or believability whatsoever was obviously the only fitting choice for ending a movie about high school sweethearts …not like a kiss would’ve sufficed.). So the moral of the story is–change into whatever your partner wants you to be and you’ll live happily ever after…or…every good girl is really a hidden bad girl…or…punish your parents for moving you halfway across the world your senior year by getting with the resident bad-boy…or…if you sing about it enough, it’ll happen. Take your pick.

“You’re the one that I want…” and I completely trust you to fly this car, even though it has no wings and I’m 99.99% sure you don’t have a pilot’s license yet.

Grease is the word.

Star Woofs: A Neutered Hope

Star Wars. Episode IV: A New Hope.

So. Many. Lasers.

 

According to the super cool scrolling intro—accompanied by the super cool theme song—there is a war going on, in space, between the rebels and the empire. Apparently it took place a while ago, someplace pretty far away.

First we meet Princess Leia (aka Cinnabon head) and the most adorable non-speaking side-kick in a live-action movie: R2D2  (this is my blog, I can make blanket statements like that). C3P0 is there too, but only because R2 needs an interpreter. A tall-short, lean-round, speaking-non-speaking comedic duo—they’re like Penn and Teller without the magic. And surrounded by lasers.

“Help me, Puppy-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.”

Oh and there’s some dude named Darth Vader who has a bit of a breathing problem (That’s what a nose job is for, sir. No need to be so dramatic with the mask/helmet/force choke combo).

So Princess Leia gives something to R2D2 and then gets captured by Vader, who takes her to the Death Star (which is def not in the shape of a star, but it does kill people. Death Ball would’ve been more accurate, but whatev).

“That’s no moon…”  & it’s not a star either.

R2 and C3P0 escape and end up on Tatooine, where they are picked up by Sand People and sold to the uncle of our protagonist, Luke Skywalker (most foreshadowey last name ever, I mean it’s like naming Jesus Waterwalker).

These droids cost me an arm and a…wait, nope, just an arm.

Luke finds part of the transmission Leia entrusted to R2D2, who then escapes to find Obi-Wan Kenobi and deliver the message. Obi-Wan rescues Luke and the droids from some other weird desert creatures, listens to Leia’s message, and decides Luke is the only person in the entire galaxy capable of helping him (Really? In the entire galaxy, your best option is the guy who can’t even keep track of R2D2? And you give him a lightsaber??? Just because it was his dad’s does not mean he should get it automatically. Maybe especially because it WAS his dad’s he should never get it at all. Did you learn nothing from your failure with Anakin? Maybe the Skywalker boys and lightsabers shouldn’t mix). Stormtroopers, aka the worst gunmen in history, slaughter Luke’s family, prompting Luke to follow Obi-Wan, learn about “The Force,” and train to become a Jedi (‘Everyone I’ve ever known and loved has been killed since I met you, and up until five minutes ago I thought you were just a crazy old hermit, but now I will put my life at risk because you say you need my help’—this guy would be great to have around when you need a ride to the airport or have a heavy couch to move: he never says no).

Obi-wan also picks up smugglers/pilots Chewbacca and Hottie McHotterson, by which I mean Han Solo, by which I mean young Harrison Ford. Chewie and Hottie Han agree to fly Obi-Wan and Luke wherever they need to go–for a substantial amount of money.

“Kid, I’ve flown from one side of this galaxy to the other”….and I have the cockiness to prove it. Also, I need the money because I’m in debt to a big, fat green guy.

We learn what kind of mass destruction the Death Star is capable of when The Empire uses it to blow up Alderaan, Princess Leia’s home planet, right in front of her. (I feel like that’s unnecessarily harsh, even for skeleton-face Emperor Tarkin and a drama queen like Vader—and he is going to feel so guilty about that later when he finds out she’s his daughter. Most dads just take away their kid’s cell phone).

Han Solo’s Millennium Falcon gets caught in the Death Star’s tractor beam (some pilot, eh?). With the help of the droids (mostly R2), Han, Chewie, and Luke rescue Leia–after almost getting her, and themselves, crushed in a giant trash compactor (yet her sticky bun hair never falls out and her white dress remains spotless throughout the film…)

Princess Leia: Is Han short for Handsome? Sorry Luke, I see you more like a brother.

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan goes lightsaber to lightsaber with his former padawan, Darth Vader. Once Obi-Wan sees that the boys have successfully rescued the princess, he…actually, I’m not sure. He gives this little smile and lets Vader kill him/ disappears /evaporates?

I feel like Vader just needs a spa day. Take a day off from Death Stars and the Dark Side–get a mani-pedi! You’ll breathe easy…er

Han, Luke, Leia, Chewie, and the droids escape the Death Star and meet up with the  Rebel force. Han and Chewie take off with their transportation fee (glorified cab drivers), while Luke and the Rebel pilots attempt to destroy the Death Star. At the last possible second, just when all hope is lost, they’re doomed, the franchise is in question—Han Solo comes to the rescue.

Solo & Skywalker: The original bromance

Conveniently, Darth Vader is off the Death Star before it blows up and he is able to drift off…into the next movie. George Lucas knows how to stretch out a series. You can’t kill all the bad guys at once. Especially if that bad guy is secretly a parent to the good guy. I would say *spoiler alert* but if you haven’t seen Star Wars yet, you probably shouldn’t start your introduction to it with a blog of dogs in homemade costumes.

The final scene of the film is an awards ceremony. As secondhand characters, Chewie, C3P0, and R2D2 get almost no recognition (much like in the photos of this blog). Princess Leia (are you still a princess if your planet no longer exists?) presents medals to Luke and Han Solo, enjoying her place at the center of their love triangle. Although, lets be honest—Luke never stands a chance.

Han: Hey Princess, I think you’d look great in a gold bikini.

*Cue awesome outro music*

 

 

[P.S. I can’t tell you how many Star Wars-related words I had to look up in order to spell everything correctly in this post. I didn’t have to look up anything for Spice Girls.]

Mutt-leficent

Her horns are iconic. In cartoon or live action. Pointy and twisted and black. You see them and you just know. You know who she is. You know how powerful she is. And you know not to mess with her and her cackle of doom.

Magnificent!

I mean… Maleficent.

But this time, Disney tells the story from her perspective. And it wouldn’t be Disney without the inclusion of a love story. But they have gotten better in recent years–the movies do not revolve solely around a princess falling in love with a prince and living happily ever after. No, Disney is experiencing its teenage years. They are learning that Happily Ever After is a lot more complicated than a chance meeting in the woods.

They give you a back story. An explanation for her behavior. She is no longer just an evil villain. She is a beautiful, dangerous, powerful woman bent on revenge.

But first–she is just a fairy. She lives in the Moors and is happy and at peace, flying around with her large, beautiful wings.

Guardian of the Moors…and wearer of Camo Wings?

But then, as usual, a human comes in and screws it all up. Young Stefan tries to steal from the Moors—foreshadowing his greed—but he and Maleficent soon become friends and after ten seconds a ten year montage, share “true love’s kiss” (*barf*).

As if Angelina Jolie would ever seriously go for him

But apparently Stefan is ahead of his time, acting like a true twenty-first century male–claiming to give Maleficent “true love’s kiss” and then never texting her back ignoring her until he needs something from her (me? bitter? no. *avoids eye contact*)

King Henry’s army attacks the Moors (because he wants to rule them as well, because he is greedy, obvi) but Maleficent, her wings, and her magical forest army are more powerful–because they have magic and wings and did I mention MAGIC?

King Henry’s pride is hurt because he lost to a girl (a winged, magical girl). So he greedily tells all the greedy men that if they greedily prove their greed by greedily killing Maleficent, he will greedily reward their greed with a position of immense greed: greedy heir to the greedy throne.

So Stefan goes back to the forest under the pretense of catching up with Maleficent, but then drugs her and takes advantage of her vulnerable state. Although he can’t bring himself to kill her, he cuts off her wings and takes them back as proof she is “dead” (umm, congrats on not being the absolute worst person in the history of all time and proving yourself only slightly better than that? You want a pat on the back for not killing her? A cookie? A gold star? You get nothing, you greedy greedster).

The Greedy King and the Stolen Wings

Except that he gets everything he wants–a wife, a kingdom, and a baby.

Maleficent is furious, as she has every right to be, and begins her goth phase decent into darkness. She takes on a sidekick, a raven named Diaval, who she finds caught in a net. She is able to transform him into any creature she wants, including a human. Diaval, in exchange for her saving his life, agrees to be Maleficent’s  “wings” and spy on Stefan’s kingdom, which is how she learns of Princess Aurora’s christening.

“I, too, shall bestow a gift upon the child.”

Maleficent dramatically enters the palace, interrupting the 3 pixies bestowing beauty and happiness on Aurora. Maleficent’s “gift” to Aurora is a curse that will lead her to prick her finger on a spinning wheel spindle at age 16 and fall into a deep sleep (This is so incredibly strange to me. An entire world full of flying fairies, a shape-shifting raven/human/dragon/wolf and trees with faces—and the best Maleficent can come up with is the spindle of a spinning wheel? I mean, at least put the dragon to good use or lock Aurora in a tall tower and let her hair grow long—wait, wrong movie). There is a way to break the curse though—in typical Disney fashion—true love’s kiss. That thing King Stefan “shared” with Maleficent all those years ago. #Burn

“Curious Little Beastie”

All the spinning wheels in the kingdom are destroyed (because apparently something that simple will stop the curse and no new clothes are needed in the next 16 years–real smart, Stefan). To further prove his idiocy, Stefan sends Aurora to live in the forest with the pixies (I apologize for my lack of imagination in the pink/blue/green-pinned-together-fabric as a costume), who prove to be poor guardians and are obviously no match for Maleficent. Maleficent and Diaval quickly discover them and keep an eye on Aurora as she grows up.

Aurora’s “fairy godmother”

Watching Aurora over the years, even saving her life once, it becomes clear that Maleficent cares for the Princess. As a teenager, Aurora recognizes Maleficent and Diaval because they have been present throughout her life; she is not afraid of them, but rather believes Maleficent to be her fairy godmother (Yes, Princess, the scary, intensely green-eyed, black-horned woman sneaking around in the shadows your whole life could only ever be your fairy godmother).

Aurora is fascinated by the Moors and wants to stay with Maleficent. Maleficent tries to undo the curse, but realizes that she made it too powerful. Then of course Prince whatever-his-name-is comes along and I roll my eyes at Disney. The girl is 16 and has known the boy literally 30 seconds–how are they ever going to make me believe he is her true love? Plus, a prince riding by himself in a random forest? Where is he going? What does he want? I don’t even care.

Aurora returns to the cottage in the woods to tell the pixies/her “aunts” she is staying in the Moors and the blabbermouths tell her all about Maleficent and the christening and that her Father is alive.(Surprise! You’re a princess with a curse that takes place tomorrow night, but by all means, disregard the effort that’s been put into keeping you safe all these years). After confirming the truth with Maleficent, Aurora runs home to King Stefan who is so consumed with his need for revenge on Maleficent that he hardly acknowledges her and has her locked in her room (safe to say–worst b-day ever).

Naturally Aurora escapes from the room, pricks her finger, and falls asleep. Maleficent brings the twerpy prince in to try to break the spell, but it doesn’t work because FINALLY Disney is starting to recognize that 30 seconds of convo is not a solid basis for a lifelong relationship. Maleficent kisses Sleeping Beauty’s forehead and that is the “true love’s kiss” that awakens her.

Maleficent breaks her own curse with something she didn’t believe existed: True Love’s Kiss

Then there is a big fight scene with the King and his guards in suits made of iron, which is harmful to fairies. But Aurora saves the day by releasing Maleficent’s wings, which Stefan has kept locked in a glass cabinet (freak!). The wings reattach themselves (…no comment) and Maleficent flies to freedom at the last minute (as if they could really let the greediest/worst-father/husband/king-in-the-world kill off Maleficent at this point). King Stefan won’t let the fight go, so he has to die. And no one is sad about it. I think I may have clapped. And whistled (JK–I can’t whistle).

Peace is restored and Aurora becomes queen of both the human realm and the Moors.

Maleficent: Both a hero and a villain, according to the elderly Aurora voice-over

And they all live happily ever…

Spice Grrrrls

Welcome back to the 90s.

I encourage you to listen to this while reading the blog. A little mood music. A little way to Spice Up Your Life. (Note I said listen, not watch. The music video is Boring Spice).

So the Spice Girls made a movie. Spice World. It’s not great. There’s not really a point to it. But if you like the Spice Girls, you’ll probably like the movie. You will like it even more if you are 11 and watch it with your friends at a sleepover AND would like to see a man’s naked bum for the first time (*brief nudity*).

Much of the movie takes place on the large, elaborate two-story “Spicebus,” which has enough room for a stationary bike, a swing, a slide, plenty of seating, and individual closets. The exterior of the bus is decorated with the British flag. It stands out. It’s a big bus with a big red, white, and blue flag on it. Shots of the bus driving through London often feature people on the street reading newspaper articles about the Spice Girls…yet no one ever looks at the bus or gets excited about seeing it. Maybe it’s a British thing. Stuff upper lip and all.

If you know nothing about the Spice Girls here’s a quick bio: There’s 5 of them. They dress provocatively. They sing girly pop songs. Oh, and they’re amazing.

The Spice Girls poke fun at their stereotypes. They exaggerate their Spice Girls name, yet wonder aloud if they will ever be seen as anything other than “Sporty” or “Baby.” (The answer is…no. Unless you’re Posh Victoria Beckham. Because you will go on to marry David Beckham. And have a successful fashion line. Well done, Posh. Way to commit to the stereotype wholeheartedly. Unfortunately “Scary” and “Ginger” are kind of limited career angles).

Scary/ Mel B

Scary Spice is the crazy, funky, wild one. She wears animal print and an astronaut suit. She has an afro sometimes. And I guess “Random Spice” just doesn’t sound as good.

 

Ginger/ Geri Halliwell

Ginger Spice is all about girl power. She does the peace sign a lot and likes to wear clothes that show off her cleavage (a form of girl power, you could say). She is full of odd little-known facts. And she usually serves as the spokeswoman for the group.

Sporty/ Mel C

Sporty Spice is the athletic one. She’s usually wearing a sports bra and sweatpants, and has her hair in a ponytail. If the Spice Girls were together now, in 2014, she would be the one on a juice cleanse telling everyone about her delicious flax-seed, kale-almond, birchbark salad. Or not–but she would definitely go to Soulcycle classes.

Posh/ Victoria

Posh Spice is the fashionista. She is all about brand-name designers, couture, and high heels. Apparently she has a difficult time deciding between “the little Gucci dress or the little Gucci dress.” And even though she’s a little superficial, she was is my favorite.

Baby/ Emma

Baby Spice is the cute, innocent one. She keeps stuffed animals on her bed, wears her hair in pigtails, and eats lots of lollipops. She’s the silly, dumb blonde. And the youngest of the group.

“If you wannabe my lover, you gotta” stop writing gossip, filming me, and…being from outer space

Throughout the movie the Spice Girls are rehearsing for a big upcoming concert. But along the way they have to deal with aliens (who are big Spice Girls fans–obviously), mean newspaper articles, and the invasion of privacy from a crew trying to film The Spice Girls documentary.

There are a number of random things in this movie:

• Hugh Laurie
• Daydreams/visions of The Spice Girls as The “Spice Force 5” secret agents as well as heavily pregnant older mums
• Meatloaf (the singer)
• A tall, thin, grim-faced manager who is always in colorful suits and makes frequent angry phone calls
• Hugh Laurie
• A weird, unnecessary “chief” who has a baby pig and says ridiculous phrases as if they are full of wisdom (for example: “When the rabbit of chaos is pursued by the ferret of disorder through the fields of anarchy, it is time to hang your pants on the hook of darkness, whether they are clean or not”).
• Male dancers with bare butts
• Hugh Laurie
• Nicola, the pregnant bff of the girls (whose storyline is irrelevant, except for at the climax of the movie when the Spice Girls “almost” don’t make it to their own concert because they are at the hospital waiting for Nicola to give birth).

Anyway, in the end, the Spice Girls do make it to their big concert JUST in time (Thank God, I mean, I was seriously concerned while watching. On the edge of my seat. The edge!)

“Hi ci ja–hold tight”

But then we discover that the producer/writer duo that have been pitching Spice Girls film ideas to the manager are actually narrating THIS movie! Omg! Isn’t that great? (In case you couldn’t tell, I’m Sarcastic Spice).

So who is your favorite Spice Girl? Or Spice Grrrrl?

 

*Special thanks to Andrea, who first introduced me to Spice Girls 11 years ago and let me borrow her Chihuahua, Rosie, to reenact the Spice World movie a few days ago.*

 

The Litter Mermaid

Her hair. That beautiful, underwater-defying red hair. I’m talking about Ariel of course. The Little Mermaid. The human artifact-collector. The one who brushes that gorgeous hair with a fork. Excuse me, dingle-hopper.

“Up where they walk, up where they run (*ha!), up where they stay all day in the sun. Wandering free, wish I could be…part of that world” *Note: Not everyone runs, Ariel. Please observe that there are fat humans, but not fat mermaids. And before you start, Ursula is a sea witch, not a mermaid. So the observation still stands.

So not only does she have amazing hair, an impressive grotto filled with–somehow non-water-damaged–human objects, and the ability to talk to animals (her best friends are a fish, a seagull, and a crab), but she is also secretly a revolutionary!

Ariel falls in love with Prince Eric after five minutes of watching him celebrate his birthday (I would expect nothing less from a Disney princess. Who needs to meet in person, let alone have a conversation with, a good-looking Prince to know it’s true love?)

There’s a big storm, everyone but Eric makes into a lifeboat. Eric jumps in the ocean to save his dog, Max. (I’m going to ignore the lame naming of “Max” to a big fluffy dog like that and the fact that the Prince would never have been allowed to jump off the ship alone–or at all. I’m ignoring it, I swear…) But I am NOT ignoring Ariel’s act of bravery and strength and kindness to save this guy’s life. I know she thinks she loves him is totally in love with him, but she is also risking her own life and the wrath of her father, King Triton, who has warned her to stay away from humans. Her entire life–okay, so 16 years, whatever–Ariel has been taught that humans are bad.

King Triton: “Humans will try to kill you, and all your friends, and your 6 sisters that we only meet once! They will eat you! They are crazy freaks with legs!”  (I’m imagining that’s how it went, anyway).

Ariel’s response? “I refuse to live a life of prejudice and hate against a group of people who, other than a single different characteristic, are exactly like me. I have grown up under the influence of your intolerance and ignorance, but those are not good enough reasons for me to fear or mistreat a race/gender/sexual orientation I am unfamiliar with.”

Err, I mean, she says: “I’m 16 years old. I’m not a child anymore! &They’re not barbarians.” Ugh, who even uses that word anymore? And I watched him for a few minutes on a boat, obviously we’re in love, Daddy! Gosh!

Anyway, she saves Prince Eric’s life and sings him back to consciousness (because how else would he know what girl to look for, it’s not like she could leave a custom-designed glass slipper behind–she has no feet!)

“Wish I could be part of your world…” so badly that I am going to give up my voice–the one thing you recognize about me–in order to get legs and join you up there.

I’m being a little harsh on Ariel, but not as harsh as King Triton is when he finds out about her encounter with Eric! He destroys her grotto. Or, as shown in this photo, moves stuff around a little bit.

“As long as you live under my ocean, you’ll obey my rules.” So really, getting legs is her only way out.

Now Ariel is lovesick for Eric, frustrated about losing all her human treasures, and stereotypically 16-year-old-girl-style mad at her dad. So when 2 eels come along and tell her that Ursula the sea witch can solve all her problems, she goes for it. I don’t really blame her (I mean, I do, but she is only 16 and I was really harsh on her earlier, so I’ll let this one slide). In exchange for Ariel’s voice (personally, I would have taken the hair), Ursula transforms Ariel’s tail into a pair of legs (which probably included lady parts that I am going to avoid discussing). The catch is–Ariel has 3 days to get Eric to fall in love with her and kiss her or she gets transformed back into a mermaid and has to serve as Ursula’s slave for all eternity. You know–the typical stuff: true love’s kiss, a young, naïve girl, and a really evil, powerful witch #archetypes

My name is Ursula. I’m addicted to “Poor, unfortunate souls.”

Eric finds Ariel on the shore near his castle and thinks she might be the girl who saved him (because a girl who washes up on the sand near your house is the most likely candidate for this, apparently). But when he finds out she can’t speak, he dismisses the notion. Yet apparently her big smile, nice body, and PERFECT RED HAIR attract him anyway because they almost kiss on day 2 of Ariel’s 3-days-with-legs-weekend.

“Kiss the girl”–oh wait, the movie is only halfway through. Ok, ALMOST kiss the girl

Ursula’s eel minions thwart the attempted romantic moment. Scared of Ariel fulfilling her end of the bargain, Ursula  disguises herself as a pretty human woman named Vanessa. Using a magical enchantment and Ariel’s singing voice, Ursula/Vanessa makes Eric forget all about Ariel. And since it is a Disney movie and the concept of a long engagement is unheard of, Vanessa and Eric are set to get married the day after they first meet (their wedding planner must be GOOD).

Ursula/Vanessa and Eric getting married on a boat–because apparently parties on the water are the only way this man knows how to celebrate anything.

Ariel and her friends are able to stall the wedding and break the seashell around Vanessa’s neck (which held Ariel’s voice), restoring Ariel’s ability to speak and breaking Ursula’s spell/disguise. Eric tries to find Ariel and kiss her (because obviously that is the only logical reaction to this–not to question anything, just to find the girl who was previously mute and try to make out with her), but the sun sets and Ariel is turned back into a mermaid.

Ariel is bound by her contract to Ursula, but King Triton offers himself in place of his youngest daughter (I can appreciate the sacrifice, but he does have 6 other daughters, and an entire kingdom to rule, which he is now leaving to the mercy of a crazy sea witch…I see where Ariel gets her poor judgment). Ursula takes the crown and trident, becoming mad with power.

“The crown looks better on me anyway.” ……… “Uuhhh” …………….. “Daddy, noooo!”

Ursula turns King Triton into an ugly little seaweed strand with a face and turns herself into a giant. She creates a big whirlpool (an odd first use of her new powers if you ask me, but to each their own), upending multiple shipwrecks. She tries to kill Ariel but Eric stabs and kills Ursula with the bow of a surfaced ship (I told you the guy likes boats). When Ursula dies, her spells are broken and all the polyps turn back into merpeople, including the king–who then agrees to give Ariel legs permanently. Ariel and Eric finally kiss. And they live happily ever after (or at least until they have the baby).

Ariel and Eric getting married– where else?–on a boat.

Click Here for other Little Mermaid related blog posts from our friend “Just a Dad with Disney Questions”

Terrior Labyrinth

The Labyrinth, a Jim Henson film from the 80s, is a personal favorite of mine. It’s funny, it’s got catchy songs, and it’s a more innocent adventure film than any hero-must-save-__ movie that’s come out in the last 10 years.

In the movie, teenage Jennifer Connelly plays Sarah, a young girl who has a psychotic break and thinks she must defeat an evil legging-wearing Goblin King’s labyrinth to rescue her baby brother. (JK Jim Henson, I love the film! There’s no psychotic break, but there is a codpiece in those leggings.)

The film starts out with Sarah in a medieval-style costume rehearsing lines from a play (The Labyrinth, obviously) in a park. Kinda weird to walk around in costume in public rehearsing lines by yourself, but it’s definitely not the weirdest thing that happens in the movie, so I’ll overlook it. She realizes she is late for babysitting duty at home, but then has major attitude when her stepmom calls her on it (teenagers, ugh).

Dramatic look-away

After her parents leave, Sarah has an angsty teenage tantrum about a stuffed bear that’s been taken from her room for her baby half-brother (side note: if you pay careful attention, almost everything you see in her room later plays a role in the labyrinth). Annoyed by her brother’s incessant crying, Sarah wishes for the Goblin King to take him away (drama queen). The Goblin King–who can also turn into an owl for some reason– fulfills her request (how nice). Sarah immediately changes her mind (ugh, teenagers!!). And the King tells Sarah she has 13 hours to get to his castle in the center of the labyrinth to save her brother before he is turned into a goblin (seems reasonable). But the labyrinth keeps messing with her because everything is “not what it seems” (aka the Goblin King is a cheater).

“Sarah, go back to your room. Play with your toys and your costumes. Forget about the baby.” And don’t let this awesome wig detract from what I’m saying.

During her journey inside the labyrinth Sarah makes friends with Hoggle, Ludo, and Sir Didymus.

Hoggle–the bumbling mentor– has a face that looks like rocks, loves jewelry, and is kind of a coward when it comes to defying the Goblin King. But he always conveniently shows up at the last minute to grumpily save Sarah, his first/only friend.

Ludo–the trusty sidekick–is a big, furry orange beast with horns, has a two-year-old’s vocabulary (“Sarah,” “fwend,” “oww”), and can summon rocks with a series of weird groans, which comes in handy when the characters are in desperate need of weapons to fight goblins or stepping stones to cross a smelly bog.

Sir Didymus–the comic relief/soldier–is a little fox-type creature with a moustache who takes his job as defender of the bridge very seriously. He speaks like a Shakespearean Knight and is always down for a fight.

Sir Didymus, Hoggle, Sarah, and Ludo**

Before she reaches the castle, Sarah must defeat:

1. Creepy orange bird things that surround and antagonize her, threatening to rip her head off (it’s a little bit of a queen of hearts “off with their heads” moment). This is my least favorite part of the movie because I hate birds and these ugly Fiery bird-things can all swap heads and it freaks me out. They look like chickens that have already been digested and then re-feathered (you’re welcome for that mental image).

“Hey, hey! Her head don’t come off!”

2. A sleep-inducing peach (an apple is more traditional, but whatever) that the Goblin King forces Hoggle to give Sarah. Sarah falls asleep, steps into a dream bubble, and forgets what she is looking for (I feel like a human child should be more difficult to forget, but okay).

This scene leads to an awesome masked-ball dream sequence that I did not even attempt to recreate. P.S. Please ignore the fact that the mask looks like it is melting

3. Weird/adorable goblin soldiers and David Bowie The Goblin King, Jareth, who only wants Sarah to “fear him, love him, and do as he says.” That’s all. Apparently him trying to kill her multiple times has been a display of his immense generosity.

Jareth: “You remind me of the babe.”
Sarah: “You have no power here.”
(That’s not exactly how it goes, I’m summarizing.)

Sarah is able to defeat them all, rescue Toby (who’s is, ironically, dressed like Where’s Waldo) and return home. And all this happened because her dad and step-mom insisted on Sarah babysitting during their date night (and also because Sarah’s choice in literature comes to life in a puppet-filled fantasy adventure).

“Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen.”

Is it all in her head? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Either way, it’s fun to watch.

There is also an adorable worm in a scarf, talking knockers (on doors, door knockers!) and many other strange/silly characters inside the labyrinth. It’s a musical comedy about a young girl looking for her brother and finding herself (OMG, I should have been the PR person for this [if I had been alive when it was made]).

**The photo of all four of them was literally the most difficult photo I have ever taken. Apparently dogs don’t like wigs and masks and mustaches. But I told them they had to earn their keep and gave them lots of treats. Special thanks to my mom, the dog wrangler, who only let fly a few choice words and didn’t abandon me with 4 dogs mid-photoshoot despite her immense desire to do so.

A Streetcar Named Dogsire

Why do crazy people make the best characters? Maybe because their actions make us laugh. Or, if they are truly crazy, they scare the crap out of us. Either way, Tennessee Williams really goes crazy with the crazy in A Streetcar Named Desire. And I’m pretty sure my dog is insane, so he fit the role of Blanche DuBois perfectly.

The play starts out with troubled Blanche DuBois coming to New Orleans. (“Troubled” is putting it mildly. She’s broke, homeless, jobless, and has been sleeping where sleeping dogs lie. But that’s all a secret.)

Appearing as a prim and proper lady (note the brooch)

She’s come to hide from her problems visit her pregnant sister, Stella, after getting fired taking a leave of absence from her school-teaching job. She’s lost Belle Reve, the family home, because she is an irresponsible psycho is irresponsible.

Blanche “confiding” in her sister

Stella’s domineering husband, Stanley Kowalski, does not like or trust Blanche because she is a judgey snob who tries to convince his wife she is too good for Stanley. (For a guy who looks like a prison inmate, he has good instincts. But I guess it takes a manipulator to know one.)

Instant Enemies

Stanley has a guy’s poker night where his friend Mitch becomes interested in Blanche. There’s tension and alcohol which naturally turns the night violent, and a radio gets thrown out a window.

Mitch, Blanche, Stella, and Stanley at Poker Night

Blanche and Stella seek protection in an upstairs neighbor’s apartment, but Stanley yells out passionately for Stella.

Stellllllaaaaaaaaa!

Blanche is blanched (sorry, couldn’t help myself) that this display entices Stella to “make up” with Stanley.

A chaste kiss

Stanley’s friend, Mitch, and Blanche are both lonely and sad, so they go on a date.

Who let the dogs out?

But Stanley discovers Blanche’s scandalous past (an affair with a teen student and other seedy behavior) and spreads the gossip to Mitch, who stands her up on her birthday (I know she’s crazy, but that’s still rude). Later that night, Stella gives birth and when they are alone together, Blanche spurns Stanley, who then proves himself to be a dog/unfaithful husband/even worse brother-in-law/terrible human being.

Blanche vs. Stanley

All of this results in Blanche’s (not unexpected) nervous breakdown. Which Stanley eagerly uses as evidence in convincing Stella to send Blanche to an insane asylum. Stella can’t believe anything her sister says because Blanche is basically living in a delusion about going off with a millionaire.There’s crying and struggles and all around depression. Except for Stanley. Who gets everything he wants.

Welcome to the Psych Ward

Ultimately, the bad guy wins. I guess that’s a lesson high school and college teachers believe their students need to learn before entering the real world, which is why this play is always on some English lit. class syllabus.

Barky and the Beast

Disney’s classic tale as old as time, Beauty and the Beast, begins with a spoiled, shallow prince. Prince Arrogance refuses to help an ugly old woman. She warns him not to judge her based on appearance, he ignores her, she reveals herself to be beautiful, he tries to apologize, too little too late, and boom: he’s an ugly beast. He has until the last petal on an enchanted rose to get someone to fall in love with him. The enchantress also transforms his staff into household items, yet his parents are nowhere to be seen (so I’m not sure why he’s a prince instead of a king and how no one in the town seems to notice, but I’ll save those questions for Law and Order: Disney Parent’s Edition).

Transformed into a Beast

Then we are introduced to beautiful Belle. She lives in a small, small-minded town with her inventor father (because moms are magically absent or evil in most Disney movies). There’s a musical number: Belle wanting more out of life and the town calling her a funny girl because she likes to read (great job, Disney, set the stereotype early on that girls who like to read are weird). But apparently Belle and the townspeople can’t hear each other’s words when singing, or a lot of people would be insulted.

With Her Nose Stuck in a Book

Gaston—a big, hairy douche—tries to force Belle into marriage, despite his complete lack of respect for her and the superficial-minded adoration of literally every other woman in town. He makes fun of Belle’s love of books and her father’s inventions, but invites all of the townspeople to their “wedding,” which Belle is pretty uninterested in, shoving him out the door and into the mud.

Gaston Sniffing Around Belle

Belle is more concerned for her missing father. When Belle finds him imprisoned in the Beast’s castle, she offers herself as a replacement prisoner for her father’s trespassing. Unsurprisingly, the Beast agrees to take the pretty young girl in the place of her old father. Locked in a castle with a hairy beast for the rest of her life seems like a harsh punishment for trespassing, but Disney movies are apparently not confined to ordinary logic.

New Castle-mates

Belle is then introduced to the Beast’s household items/staff—Mrs. Potts, Chip, and the hilarious duo Lumiere and Cogsworth, who fulfill the roles of traditional Disney sidekicks.

Sidekicks

There is an attempted escape thwarted by wolves, a heroic rescue, and the blossom of friendship, which turns into romance once Belle and the Beast dance around in a ball gown and tuxedo (which fit perfectly and appear without explanation).

Beauty and the Beast

Humiliated by rejection, Gaston shadily convinces the town to charge the Beast’s castle and lock away “crazy” Belle and her dad. The townspeople fight feather dusters and silverware, while Gaston attacks the Beast. Gaston stabs the Beast in the back before falling to his death,

Gaston vs. The Beast

Belle admits she loves the Beast right before the final flower petal falls, which breaks the spell. He is transformed back into a human (named Adam, according to IMDB trivia) and they all live…you know the rest.

Happily Ever After