Star Wars. Episode IV: A New Hope.
So. Many. Lasers.
According to the super cool scrolling intro—accompanied by the super cool theme song—there is a war going on, in space, between the rebels and the empire. Apparently it took place a while ago, someplace pretty far away.
First we meet Princess Leia (aka Cinnabon head) and the most adorable non-speaking side-kick in a live-action movie: R2D2 (this is my blog, I can make blanket statements like that). C3P0 is there too, but only because R2 needs an interpreter. A tall-short, lean-round, speaking-non-speaking comedic duo—they’re like Penn and Teller without the magic. And surrounded by lasers.
“Help me, Puppy-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.”
Oh and there’s some dude named Darth Vader who has a bit of a breathing problem (That’s what a nose job is for, sir. No need to be so dramatic with the mask/helmet/force choke combo).
So Princess Leia gives something to R2D2 and then gets captured by Vader, who takes her to the Death Star (which is def not in the shape of a star, but it does kill people. Death Ball would’ve been more accurate, but whatev).
“That’s no moon…” & it’s not a star either.
R2 and C3P0 escape and end up on Tatooine, where they are picked up by Sand People and sold to the uncle of our protagonist, Luke Skywalker (most foreshadowey last name ever, I mean it’s like naming Jesus Waterwalker).
These droids cost me an arm and a…wait, nope, just an arm.
Luke finds part of the transmission Leia entrusted to R2D2, who then escapes to find Obi-Wan Kenobi and deliver the message. Obi-Wan rescues Luke and the droids from some other weird desert creatures, listens to Leia’s message, and decides Luke is the only person in the entire galaxy capable of helping him (Really? In the entire galaxy, your best option is the guy who can’t even keep track of R2D2? And you give him a lightsaber??? Just because it was his dad’s does not mean he should get it automatically. Maybe especially because it WAS his dad’s he should never get it at all. Did you learn nothing from your failure with Anakin? Maybe the Skywalker boys and lightsabers shouldn’t mix). Stormtroopers, aka the worst gunmen in history, slaughter Luke’s family, prompting Luke to follow Obi-Wan, learn about “The Force,” and train to become a Jedi (‘Everyone I’ve ever known and loved has been killed since I met you, and up until five minutes ago I thought you were just a crazy old hermit, but now I will put my life at risk because you say you need my help’—this guy would be great to have around when you need a ride to the airport or have a heavy couch to move: he never says no).
Obi-wan also picks up smugglers/pilots Chewbacca and Hottie McHotterson, by which I mean Han Solo, by which I mean young Harrison Ford. Chewie and Hottie Han agree to fly Obi-Wan and Luke wherever they need to go–for a substantial amount of money.
“Kid, I’ve flown from one side of this galaxy to the other”….and I have the cockiness to prove it. Also, I need the money because I’m in debt to a big, fat green guy.
We learn what kind of mass destruction the Death Star is capable of when The Empire uses it to blow up Alderaan, Princess Leia’s home planet, right in front of her. (I feel like that’s unnecessarily harsh, even for skeleton-face Emperor Tarkin and a drama queen like Vader—and he is going to feel so guilty about that later when he finds out she’s his daughter. Most dads just take away their kid’s cell phone).
Han Solo’s Millennium Falcon gets caught in the Death Star’s tractor beam (some pilot, eh?). With the help of the droids (mostly R2), Han, Chewie, and Luke rescue Leia–after almost getting her, and themselves, crushed in a giant trash compactor (yet her sticky bun hair never falls out and her white dress remains spotless throughout the film…)
Princess Leia: Is Han short for Handsome? Sorry Luke, I see you more like a brother.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan goes lightsaber to lightsaber with his former padawan, Darth Vader. Once Obi-Wan sees that the boys have successfully rescued the princess, he…actually, I’m not sure. He gives this little smile and lets Vader kill him/ disappears /evaporates?
I feel like Vader just needs a spa day. Take a day off from Death Stars and the Dark Side–get a mani-pedi! You’ll breathe easy…er
Han, Luke, Leia, Chewie, and the droids escape the Death Star and meet up with the Rebel force. Han and Chewie take off with their transportation fee (glorified cab drivers), while Luke and the Rebel pilots attempt to destroy the Death Star. At the last possible second, just when all hope is lost, they’re doomed, the franchise is in question—Han Solo comes to the rescue.
Solo & Skywalker: The original bromance
Conveniently, Darth Vader is off the Death Star before it blows up and he is able to drift off…into the next movie. George Lucas knows how to stretch out a series. You can’t kill all the bad guys at once. Especially if that bad guy is secretly a parent to the good guy. I would say *spoiler alert* but if you haven’t seen Star Wars yet, you probably shouldn’t start your introduction to it with a blog of dogs in homemade costumes.
The final scene of the film is an awards ceremony. As secondhand characters, Chewie, C3P0, and R2D2 get almost no recognition (much like in the photos of this blog). Princess Leia (are you still a princess if your planet no longer exists?) presents medals to Luke and Han Solo, enjoying her place at the center of their love triangle. Although, lets be honest—Luke never stands a chance.
Han: Hey Princess, I think you’d look great in a gold bikini.
*Cue awesome outro music*
[P.S. I can’t tell you how many Star Wars-related words I had to look up in order to spell everything correctly in this post. I didn’t have to look up anything for Spice Girls.]
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