Mutt-leficent

Her horns are iconic. In cartoon or live action. Pointy and twisted and black. You see them and you just know. You know who she is. You know how powerful she is. And you know not to mess with her and her cackle of doom.

Magnificent!

I mean… Maleficent.

But this time, Disney tells the story from her perspective. And it wouldn’t be Disney without the inclusion of a love story. But they have gotten better in recent years–the movies do not revolve solely around a princess falling in love with a prince and living happily ever after. No, Disney is experiencing its teenage years. They are learning that Happily Ever After is a lot more complicated than a chance meeting in the woods.

They give you a back story. An explanation for her behavior. She is no longer just an evil villain. She is a beautiful, dangerous, powerful woman bent on revenge.

But first–she is just a fairy. She lives in the Moors and is happy and at peace, flying around with her large, beautiful wings.

Guardian of the Moors…and wearer of Camo Wings?

But then, as usual, a human comes in and screws it all up. Young Stefan tries to steal from the Moors—foreshadowing his greed—but he and Maleficent soon become friends and after ten seconds a ten year montage, share “true love’s kiss” (*barf*).

As if Angelina Jolie would ever seriously go for him

But apparently Stefan is ahead of his time, acting like a true twenty-first century male–claiming to give Maleficent “true love’s kiss” and then never texting her back ignoring her until he needs something from her (me? bitter? no. *avoids eye contact*)

King Henry’s army attacks the Moors (because he wants to rule them as well, because he is greedy, obvi) but Maleficent, her wings, and her magical forest army are more powerful–because they have magic and wings and did I mention MAGIC?

King Henry’s pride is hurt because he lost to a girl (a winged, magical girl). So he greedily tells all the greedy men that if they greedily prove their greed by greedily killing Maleficent, he will greedily reward their greed with a position of immense greed: greedy heir to the greedy throne.

So Stefan goes back to the forest under the pretense of catching up with Maleficent, but then drugs her and takes advantage of her vulnerable state. Although he can’t bring himself to kill her, he cuts off her wings and takes them back as proof she is “dead” (umm, congrats on not being the absolute worst person in the history of all time and proving yourself only slightly better than that? You want a pat on the back for not killing her? A cookie? A gold star? You get nothing, you greedy greedster).

The Greedy King and the Stolen Wings

Except that he gets everything he wants–a wife, a kingdom, and a baby.

Maleficent is furious, as she has every right to be, and begins her goth phase decent into darkness. She takes on a sidekick, a raven named Diaval, who she finds caught in a net. She is able to transform him into any creature she wants, including a human. Diaval, in exchange for her saving his life, agrees to be Maleficent’s  “wings” and spy on Stefan’s kingdom, which is how she learns of Princess Aurora’s christening.

“I, too, shall bestow a gift upon the child.”

Maleficent dramatically enters the palace, interrupting the 3 pixies bestowing beauty and happiness on Aurora. Maleficent’s “gift” to Aurora is a curse that will lead her to prick her finger on a spinning wheel spindle at age 16 and fall into a deep sleep (This is so incredibly strange to me. An entire world full of flying fairies, a shape-shifting raven/human/dragon/wolf and trees with faces—and the best Maleficent can come up with is the spindle of a spinning wheel? I mean, at least put the dragon to good use or lock Aurora in a tall tower and let her hair grow long—wait, wrong movie). There is a way to break the curse though—in typical Disney fashion—true love’s kiss. That thing King Stefan “shared” with Maleficent all those years ago. #Burn

“Curious Little Beastie”

All the spinning wheels in the kingdom are destroyed (because apparently something that simple will stop the curse and no new clothes are needed in the next 16 years–real smart, Stefan). To further prove his idiocy, Stefan sends Aurora to live in the forest with the pixies (I apologize for my lack of imagination in the pink/blue/green-pinned-together-fabric as a costume), who prove to be poor guardians and are obviously no match for Maleficent. Maleficent and Diaval quickly discover them and keep an eye on Aurora as she grows up.

Aurora’s “fairy godmother”

Watching Aurora over the years, even saving her life once, it becomes clear that Maleficent cares for the Princess. As a teenager, Aurora recognizes Maleficent and Diaval because they have been present throughout her life; she is not afraid of them, but rather believes Maleficent to be her fairy godmother (Yes, Princess, the scary, intensely green-eyed, black-horned woman sneaking around in the shadows your whole life could only ever be your fairy godmother).

Aurora is fascinated by the Moors and wants to stay with Maleficent. Maleficent tries to undo the curse, but realizes that she made it too powerful. Then of course Prince whatever-his-name-is comes along and I roll my eyes at Disney. The girl is 16 and has known the boy literally 30 seconds–how are they ever going to make me believe he is her true love? Plus, a prince riding by himself in a random forest? Where is he going? What does he want? I don’t even care.

Aurora returns to the cottage in the woods to tell the pixies/her “aunts” she is staying in the Moors and the blabbermouths tell her all about Maleficent and the christening and that her Father is alive.(Surprise! You’re a princess with a curse that takes place tomorrow night, but by all means, disregard the effort that’s been put into keeping you safe all these years). After confirming the truth with Maleficent, Aurora runs home to King Stefan who is so consumed with his need for revenge on Maleficent that he hardly acknowledges her and has her locked in her room (safe to say–worst b-day ever).

Naturally Aurora escapes from the room, pricks her finger, and falls asleep. Maleficent brings the twerpy prince in to try to break the spell, but it doesn’t work because FINALLY Disney is starting to recognize that 30 seconds of convo is not a solid basis for a lifelong relationship. Maleficent kisses Sleeping Beauty’s forehead and that is the “true love’s kiss” that awakens her.

Maleficent breaks her own curse with something she didn’t believe existed: True Love’s Kiss

Then there is a big fight scene with the King and his guards in suits made of iron, which is harmful to fairies. But Aurora saves the day by releasing Maleficent’s wings, which Stefan has kept locked in a glass cabinet (freak!). The wings reattach themselves (…no comment) and Maleficent flies to freedom at the last minute (as if they could really let the greediest/worst-father/husband/king-in-the-world kill off Maleficent at this point). King Stefan won’t let the fight go, so he has to die. And no one is sad about it. I think I may have clapped. And whistled (JK–I can’t whistle).

Peace is restored and Aurora becomes queen of both the human realm and the Moors.

Maleficent: Both a hero and a villain, according to the elderly Aurora voice-over

And they all live happily ever…

The Litter Mermaid

Her hair. That beautiful, underwater-defying red hair. I’m talking about Ariel of course. The Little Mermaid. The human artifact-collector. The one who brushes that gorgeous hair with a fork. Excuse me, dingle-hopper.

“Up where they walk, up where they run (*ha!), up where they stay all day in the sun. Wandering free, wish I could be…part of that world” *Note: Not everyone runs, Ariel. Please observe that there are fat humans, but not fat mermaids. And before you start, Ursula is a sea witch, not a mermaid. So the observation still stands.

So not only does she have amazing hair, an impressive grotto filled with–somehow non-water-damaged–human objects, and the ability to talk to animals (her best friends are a fish, a seagull, and a crab), but she is also secretly a revolutionary!

Ariel falls in love with Prince Eric after five minutes of watching him celebrate his birthday (I would expect nothing less from a Disney princess. Who needs to meet in person, let alone have a conversation with, a good-looking Prince to know it’s true love?)

There’s a big storm, everyone but Eric makes into a lifeboat. Eric jumps in the ocean to save his dog, Max. (I’m going to ignore the lame naming of “Max” to a big fluffy dog like that and the fact that the Prince would never have been allowed to jump off the ship alone–or at all. I’m ignoring it, I swear…) But I am NOT ignoring Ariel’s act of bravery and strength and kindness to save this guy’s life. I know she thinks she loves him is totally in love with him, but she is also risking her own life and the wrath of her father, King Triton, who has warned her to stay away from humans. Her entire life–okay, so 16 years, whatever–Ariel has been taught that humans are bad.

King Triton: “Humans will try to kill you, and all your friends, and your 6 sisters that we only meet once! They will eat you! They are crazy freaks with legs!”  (I’m imagining that’s how it went, anyway).

Ariel’s response? “I refuse to live a life of prejudice and hate against a group of people who, other than a single different characteristic, are exactly like me. I have grown up under the influence of your intolerance and ignorance, but those are not good enough reasons for me to fear or mistreat a race/gender/sexual orientation I am unfamiliar with.”

Err, I mean, she says: “I’m 16 years old. I’m not a child anymore! &They’re not barbarians.” Ugh, who even uses that word anymore? And I watched him for a few minutes on a boat, obviously we’re in love, Daddy! Gosh!

Anyway, she saves Prince Eric’s life and sings him back to consciousness (because how else would he know what girl to look for, it’s not like she could leave a custom-designed glass slipper behind–she has no feet!)

“Wish I could be part of your world…” so badly that I am going to give up my voice–the one thing you recognize about me–in order to get legs and join you up there.

I’m being a little harsh on Ariel, but not as harsh as King Triton is when he finds out about her encounter with Eric! He destroys her grotto. Or, as shown in this photo, moves stuff around a little bit.

“As long as you live under my ocean, you’ll obey my rules.” So really, getting legs is her only way out.

Now Ariel is lovesick for Eric, frustrated about losing all her human treasures, and stereotypically 16-year-old-girl-style mad at her dad. So when 2 eels come along and tell her that Ursula the sea witch can solve all her problems, she goes for it. I don’t really blame her (I mean, I do, but she is only 16 and I was really harsh on her earlier, so I’ll let this one slide). In exchange for Ariel’s voice (personally, I would have taken the hair), Ursula transforms Ariel’s tail into a pair of legs (which probably included lady parts that I am going to avoid discussing). The catch is–Ariel has 3 days to get Eric to fall in love with her and kiss her or she gets transformed back into a mermaid and has to serve as Ursula’s slave for all eternity. You know–the typical stuff: true love’s kiss, a young, naïve girl, and a really evil, powerful witch #archetypes

My name is Ursula. I’m addicted to “Poor, unfortunate souls.”

Eric finds Ariel on the shore near his castle and thinks she might be the girl who saved him (because a girl who washes up on the sand near your house is the most likely candidate for this, apparently). But when he finds out she can’t speak, he dismisses the notion. Yet apparently her big smile, nice body, and PERFECT RED HAIR attract him anyway because they almost kiss on day 2 of Ariel’s 3-days-with-legs-weekend.

“Kiss the girl”–oh wait, the movie is only halfway through. Ok, ALMOST kiss the girl

Ursula’s eel minions thwart the attempted romantic moment. Scared of Ariel fulfilling her end of the bargain, Ursula  disguises herself as a pretty human woman named Vanessa. Using a magical enchantment and Ariel’s singing voice, Ursula/Vanessa makes Eric forget all about Ariel. And since it is a Disney movie and the concept of a long engagement is unheard of, Vanessa and Eric are set to get married the day after they first meet (their wedding planner must be GOOD).

Ursula/Vanessa and Eric getting married on a boat–because apparently parties on the water are the only way this man knows how to celebrate anything.

Ariel and her friends are able to stall the wedding and break the seashell around Vanessa’s neck (which held Ariel’s voice), restoring Ariel’s ability to speak and breaking Ursula’s spell/disguise. Eric tries to find Ariel and kiss her (because obviously that is the only logical reaction to this–not to question anything, just to find the girl who was previously mute and try to make out with her), but the sun sets and Ariel is turned back into a mermaid.

Ariel is bound by her contract to Ursula, but King Triton offers himself in place of his youngest daughter (I can appreciate the sacrifice, but he does have 6 other daughters, and an entire kingdom to rule, which he is now leaving to the mercy of a crazy sea witch…I see where Ariel gets her poor judgment). Ursula takes the crown and trident, becoming mad with power.

“The crown looks better on me anyway.” ……… “Uuhhh” …………….. “Daddy, noooo!”

Ursula turns King Triton into an ugly little seaweed strand with a face and turns herself into a giant. She creates a big whirlpool (an odd first use of her new powers if you ask me, but to each their own), upending multiple shipwrecks. She tries to kill Ariel but Eric stabs and kills Ursula with the bow of a surfaced ship (I told you the guy likes boats). When Ursula dies, her spells are broken and all the polyps turn back into merpeople, including the king–who then agrees to give Ariel legs permanently. Ariel and Eric finally kiss. And they live happily ever after (or at least until they have the baby).

Ariel and Eric getting married– where else?–on a boat.

Click Here for other Little Mermaid related blog posts from our friend “Just a Dad with Disney Questions”

Barky and the Beast

Disney’s classic tale as old as time, Beauty and the Beast, begins with a spoiled, shallow prince. Prince Arrogance refuses to help an ugly old woman. She warns him not to judge her based on appearance, he ignores her, she reveals herself to be beautiful, he tries to apologize, too little too late, and boom: he’s an ugly beast. He has until the last petal on an enchanted rose to get someone to fall in love with him. The enchantress also transforms his staff into household items, yet his parents are nowhere to be seen (so I’m not sure why he’s a prince instead of a king and how no one in the town seems to notice, but I’ll save those questions for Law and Order: Disney Parent’s Edition).

Transformed into a Beast

Then we are introduced to beautiful Belle. She lives in a small, small-minded town with her inventor father (because moms are magically absent or evil in most Disney movies). There’s a musical number: Belle wanting more out of life and the town calling her a funny girl because she likes to read (great job, Disney, set the stereotype early on that girls who like to read are weird). But apparently Belle and the townspeople can’t hear each other’s words when singing, or a lot of people would be insulted.

With Her Nose Stuck in a Book

Gaston—a big, hairy douche—tries to force Belle into marriage, despite his complete lack of respect for her and the superficial-minded adoration of literally every other woman in town. He makes fun of Belle’s love of books and her father’s inventions, but invites all of the townspeople to their “wedding,” which Belle is pretty uninterested in, shoving him out the door and into the mud.

Gaston Sniffing Around Belle

Belle is more concerned for her missing father. When Belle finds him imprisoned in the Beast’s castle, she offers herself as a replacement prisoner for her father’s trespassing. Unsurprisingly, the Beast agrees to take the pretty young girl in the place of her old father. Locked in a castle with a hairy beast for the rest of her life seems like a harsh punishment for trespassing, but Disney movies are apparently not confined to ordinary logic.

New Castle-mates

Belle is then introduced to the Beast’s household items/staff—Mrs. Potts, Chip, and the hilarious duo Lumiere and Cogsworth, who fulfill the roles of traditional Disney sidekicks.

Sidekicks

There is an attempted escape thwarted by wolves, a heroic rescue, and the blossom of friendship, which turns into romance once Belle and the Beast dance around in a ball gown and tuxedo (which fit perfectly and appear without explanation).

Beauty and the Beast

Humiliated by rejection, Gaston shadily convinces the town to charge the Beast’s castle and lock away “crazy” Belle and her dad. The townspeople fight feather dusters and silverware, while Gaston attacks the Beast. Gaston stabs the Beast in the back before falling to his death,

Gaston vs. The Beast

Belle admits she loves the Beast right before the final flower petal falls, which breaks the spell. He is transformed back into a human (named Adam, according to IMDB trivia) and they all live…you know the rest.

Happily Ever After