The Litter Mermaid

Her hair. That beautiful, underwater-defying red hair. I’m talking about Ariel of course. The Little Mermaid. The human artifact-collector. The one who brushes that gorgeous hair with a fork. Excuse me, dingle-hopper.

“Up where they walk, up where they run (*ha!), up where they stay all day in the sun. Wandering free, wish I could be…part of that world” *Note: Not everyone runs, Ariel. Please observe that there are fat humans, but not fat mermaids. And before you start, Ursula is a sea witch, not a mermaid. So the observation still stands.

So not only does she have amazing hair, an impressive grotto filled with–somehow non-water-damaged–human objects, and the ability to talk to animals (her best friends are a fish, a seagull, and a crab), but she is also secretly a revolutionary!

Ariel falls in love with Prince Eric after five minutes of watching him celebrate his birthday (I would expect nothing less from a Disney princess. Who needs to meet in person, let alone have a conversation with, a good-looking Prince to know it’s true love?)

There’s a big storm, everyone but Eric makes into a lifeboat. Eric jumps in the ocean to save his dog, Max. (I’m going to ignore the lame naming of “Max” to a big fluffy dog like that and the fact that the Prince would never have been allowed to jump off the ship alone–or at all. I’m ignoring it, I swear…) But I am NOT ignoring Ariel’s act of bravery and strength and kindness to save this guy’s life. I know she thinks she loves him is totally in love with him, but she is also risking her own life and the wrath of her father, King Triton, who has warned her to stay away from humans. Her entire life–okay, so 16 years, whatever–Ariel has been taught that humans are bad.

King Triton: “Humans will try to kill you, and all your friends, and your 6 sisters that we only meet once! They will eat you! They are crazy freaks with legs!”  (I’m imagining that’s how it went, anyway).

Ariel’s response? “I refuse to live a life of prejudice and hate against a group of people who, other than a single different characteristic, are exactly like me. I have grown up under the influence of your intolerance and ignorance, but those are not good enough reasons for me to fear or mistreat a race/gender/sexual orientation I am unfamiliar with.”

Err, I mean, she says: “I’m 16 years old. I’m not a child anymore! &They’re not barbarians.” Ugh, who even uses that word anymore? And I watched him for a few minutes on a boat, obviously we’re in love, Daddy! Gosh!

Anyway, she saves Prince Eric’s life and sings him back to consciousness (because how else would he know what girl to look for, it’s not like she could leave a custom-designed glass slipper behind–she has no feet!)

“Wish I could be part of your world…” so badly that I am going to give up my voice–the one thing you recognize about me–in order to get legs and join you up there.

I’m being a little harsh on Ariel, but not as harsh as King Triton is when he finds out about her encounter with Eric! He destroys her grotto. Or, as shown in this photo, moves stuff around a little bit.

“As long as you live under my ocean, you’ll obey my rules.” So really, getting legs is her only way out.

Now Ariel is lovesick for Eric, frustrated about losing all her human treasures, and stereotypically 16-year-old-girl-style mad at her dad. So when 2 eels come along and tell her that Ursula the sea witch can solve all her problems, she goes for it. I don’t really blame her (I mean, I do, but she is only 16 and I was really harsh on her earlier, so I’ll let this one slide). In exchange for Ariel’s voice (personally, I would have taken the hair), Ursula transforms Ariel’s tail into a pair of legs (which probably included lady parts that I am going to avoid discussing). The catch is–Ariel has 3 days to get Eric to fall in love with her and kiss her or she gets transformed back into a mermaid and has to serve as Ursula’s slave for all eternity. You know–the typical stuff: true love’s kiss, a young, naïve girl, and a really evil, powerful witch #archetypes

My name is Ursula. I’m addicted to “Poor, unfortunate souls.”

Eric finds Ariel on the shore near his castle and thinks she might be the girl who saved him (because a girl who washes up on the sand near your house is the most likely candidate for this, apparently). But when he finds out she can’t speak, he dismisses the notion. Yet apparently her big smile, nice body, and PERFECT RED HAIR attract him anyway because they almost kiss on day 2 of Ariel’s 3-days-with-legs-weekend.

“Kiss the girl”–oh wait, the movie is only halfway through. Ok, ALMOST kiss the girl

Ursula’s eel minions thwart the attempted romantic moment. Scared of Ariel fulfilling her end of the bargain, Ursula  disguises herself as a pretty human woman named Vanessa. Using a magical enchantment and Ariel’s singing voice, Ursula/Vanessa makes Eric forget all about Ariel. And since it is a Disney movie and the concept of a long engagement is unheard of, Vanessa and Eric are set to get married the day after they first meet (their wedding planner must be GOOD).

Ursula/Vanessa and Eric getting married on a boat–because apparently parties on the water are the only way this man knows how to celebrate anything.

Ariel and her friends are able to stall the wedding and break the seashell around Vanessa’s neck (which held Ariel’s voice), restoring Ariel’s ability to speak and breaking Ursula’s spell/disguise. Eric tries to find Ariel and kiss her (because obviously that is the only logical reaction to this–not to question anything, just to find the girl who was previously mute and try to make out with her), but the sun sets and Ariel is turned back into a mermaid.

Ariel is bound by her contract to Ursula, but King Triton offers himself in place of his youngest daughter (I can appreciate the sacrifice, but he does have 6 other daughters, and an entire kingdom to rule, which he is now leaving to the mercy of a crazy sea witch…I see where Ariel gets her poor judgment). Ursula takes the crown and trident, becoming mad with power.

“The crown looks better on me anyway.” ……… “Uuhhh” …………….. “Daddy, noooo!”

Ursula turns King Triton into an ugly little seaweed strand with a face and turns herself into a giant. She creates a big whirlpool (an odd first use of her new powers if you ask me, but to each their own), upending multiple shipwrecks. She tries to kill Ariel but Eric stabs and kills Ursula with the bow of a surfaced ship (I told you the guy likes boats). When Ursula dies, her spells are broken and all the polyps turn back into merpeople, including the king–who then agrees to give Ariel legs permanently. Ariel and Eric finally kiss. And they live happily ever after (or at least until they have the baby).

Ariel and Eric getting married– where else?–on a boat.

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